ambivalent

I was joking with some friends on FaceTime about starting a Tinder account to talk to girls online (I'm a gay man who sometimes thinks he's bi but probably isn't but maybe is). The Tinder plan was to use my own pictures to semi-cat fish but more-so, mostly just look for new people to talk to under quarantine (I like having girls as friends). So, I told my boyfriend I live and isolate with about this idea (as I annoyingly tell him every thought that runs through my brain which has historically created its own set of problems) and he said somewhat angrily, "Or you could literally do anything else. Like read a fucking book." To be fair I do read a lot, but to be even more fair, I do also get a lot of dumb hair-brained schemes. I probably won't do the Tinder thing. But I might. Desperate times. About an hour after this small fight we were watching Melancholia (arthouse cinema's answer to Contagion) and we tried having sex (unrelated to the movie, more related to the nudes I'd just been sending and receiving on instagram from a mutual) and in the middle of sex we both agreed something was off. I've historically been more of a bottom and he's a full top but I've been feeling sort of toppy under quarantine? Maybe it's pent up rage, maybe I'm bi. But anyways these feelings have been messing with our sex life, for sure. And he said it feels like I've been just using him to masturbate. Which sounds really horrible when I write it down here. So what I'm really trying to say is that I'm an always sexually confused horny piece of shit and my boyfriend is absolutely, right to be annoyed/angry with me right now. # Trying to be more gay, gentle in bed, and well-read under queerantine.