ex-factor

Hi, I am stuck living/quarantining with my on and off again ex. Right before the quarantine, we were actually supposed to go out separate ways (well, really just me because it’s his apartment) but alas, here we are. I used to have my own place but he knew I wasn’t happy living there because my previous roommate was messy. He asked me to come live with him so I did and then shit started to hit the fan. We weren’t getting along because he had his own way of doing things (if he ever got around to doing them) and continuously micromanaged everything I did. I started to get annoyed and eventually decided to voice my opinion about our domestic partnership. And things got even more sour because he just cannot take accountability for his own way of being. We’re constantly at each other’s throats because we recently come to figure we have different mindsets and pretty much lack certain things in common. He’s highly sensitive but in an aggressive way so I can’t even communicate with him because it always ends in a chaotic argument. Which in turn, just makes me want to stop talking to him altogether. There have been times where he just holds the fact that he’s supporting me with a roof over my head and I start listing my own contributions. I don’t think it’s mature and I get lost in that mess sometimes but I’m my own person. I fuse out when I’ve had enough of it and blame myself for acting particularly angry over something that has no substantial effect over my life. Just temporary bullshit, really. But anyway, there have been a couple of occasions where he’s put his hands on me just to prove his power over me and I have no say because apartments are expensive and I literally live paycheck to paycheck. I don’t even have anywhere else to go (regardless of quarantine) He doesn’t let me save my money because he constantly pulls me in just to push me back out by telling me he won’t threaten to kick me out but does anyway. So I’ve planned vacations, pay for shit that doesn’t even regard me, etc. I do so much for the apartment and him, of course, and it doesn’t get acknowledged as he has said himself before. I have so much self love but I have to pretend just to have a place and it sucks. No one knows him like I do, but he’s a charismatic narcissist who empathizes for everyone but me. And wears me down, it almost feels like he’s jealous of my accomplishments meanwhile I help push him towards his goals. Anyway, this is my quarantine story.