reconnection

There is this guy I have been in love with for two years. Fully madly in love. I had met him ten years ago and we reconnected. And it was like everything I ever missed was right here at last, a connection and an emotion like no other. Of course there is always something. He is married, in a long-term relationship on life support that left him voiceless, but also, it seems, absolutely unable to speak his truth and choose himself (and me). It’s both really sad and infuriating. The day before the shut down we thought about leaving to go upstate. He said to me, I am ready. I heard that before but I wanted to believe him. Obviously he is still there. 
I am seeing this quarantine as a wake-up call for me to draw the mental, physical and emotional line and just look at what I have in my life. Not him, but myself. Since the confinement started, things have started to shift inside of me. It’s like I have put our love on a shelf and I am slowly turning my back and leaving it all behind. I live on a ground apartment and sometimes though, when someone is walking on the sidewalk passing across my window, I still find myself looking hoping for a split second that he made it out and has come back to me.