the hustle and bustle of keeping on

I've been telling everyone that quarantine is the perfect time to work on building new skills and growing our side hustles - but who am I kidding? I've spent the past week lying on my parents' couch, stressed about about the intersection of mundane tragedy and viral mortality. Being at home is constant reminder of my parents' broken marriage, the fake smiles and natural disaster-esque arguments that we've endured for 30 years, the life that I tried to avoid when I broke up with my ex last year just months after deciding I would propose to him by the end of 2019. Moving back home has also involved crying every night since I accidentally saw a picture of him cuddled up with with his new girl (fuck you mutual friends). I hate that he has someone agreeable to quarantine with. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't rooting for quarantine to destroy them; unfortunately, I think the honeymoon phase of having sex with someone new is hard to beat. But what's my alternative - force myself into a relationship to not feel lonely? Who am I supposed to date when I get panic attacks after seeing my ex's face after a year? The coronavirus has ruined my carefully constructed life of being so busy that I don't have time to dwell on a lifetime of pain.