untitled #4

Last February, I left a long, lonely marriage and moved to a new city. I had been thinking a lot about the societal changes that are coming in the next few decades and decided I wanted to live in this city for a while and experience all it had to offer before disaster transformed it. I really thought I’d have more time…

A couple months after I arrived here, following some lackluster dates, getting ghosted, etc., I met someone amazing. We’ve been together a year now, living together for 9 months. While we were on vacation 2 months ago, we had some serious conversations about planning our future together and what that could look like. In a year or so, we decided, we’d move abroad with their family, establish their business, try for kids, build a house and a life together… We booked travel plans for later in the spring to scout out our new location.

All of that was probably a lot in itself, and perhaps it was too much for someone who’s a lot younger than I am, with major anxiety. (We both have anxiety, PTSD, depression…) We had always agreed that polyamory was on the table, and a few weeks after that conversation, my partner took a chance to open up our relationship. I’ve always been open to that, and I wanted to be happy for them. But I wasn’t always pleased with the way my partner handled things early on. Still, I was proud of how we were able to talk through those initial difficulties and miscommunications. I was hopeful.

Then coronavirus came along. I started to prep early, even as I worried I’d be judged negatively for doing it before anyone took it seriously, feeling anxious because metamour seemed so carefree and I was so serious. I felt like someone’s uncool mother. But I don’t regret prepping. I got what we needed early, which turned out to be for the best. Since then, things have become bleaker and bleaker. Our city is now locked down. My partner lost their job; everyone in their family lost their jobs. We canceled our trip. My partner and their family are now planning to relocate way earlier than we’d hoped, without me, to protect the parents and escape a situation where none of them can work without being at risk.

When my partner lost their job a week and a half ago, they basically lost it and disappeared for much of last week. They stayed with their family and metamour longer than they’d told me they would, as they processed their feelings and made plans. They only returned right before lockdown time, which is when they let me know the family was making plans to relocate as soon as possible. By the time they returned, I’d basically resigned myself to dying alone—or at least weathering this time alone—assuming their distance meant something was wrong. Everything is wrong for everyone right now, though, and I’ve tried to be compassionate, given what we’re all going through. I offered my help with the relocation. All of this is unprecedented in our lifetimes, and their situation is untenable. There’s no point in fighting about it, I thought. At least we’d be locked down for a while before they left, so we’d have this time together.

But for the past day, they’ve been gone again, visiting metamour for a mental health day, once again staying longer than they said they would. They’re supposed to be back late tonight, so we’ll have basically lost the better part of two days we could’ve spent together. It feels like an eternity at this moment in time. I’m thankful to be working remotely, to have the means to support us, to have something constructive to do, but I’ve been at home by myself for fully half of the three weeks I’ve been self-isolating now. I’m starting to grieve all that I thought we had, all of our plans, all the warmth and joy that seems to be slipping away. I’ve offered them everything and it’s still not enough—not that it should be transactional, but as in my last relationship, it doesn’t feel like I’m getting much in return. The only person I feel like I can count on right now is myself.

Along those lines, I’m still supporting my ex from afar. I had been to some extent since I left last year, as they have several risk factors that can easily put them in the hospital, and last Friday they lost their job. My support now feels imperative to their survival. So that has postponed finalizing my divorce, perhaps indefinitely. I’m in an entirely different city than my ex but still feel tied here by my lease and these obligations—I would relocate early with my partner if I thought I’d find a safe, stable, supportive place to land on the other side, but with everything so uncertain right now, I think I’m going to have to wait. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that some of the things I want simply may never happen on this timeline.

One of my best friends also lost their job yesterday. I’ve pledged to do what I can to help if need be. I’m here for everyone materially and financially, because I have the means to be, but I don’t feel like I have a lot of support emotionally or physically. I feel so alone already, and my partner isn’t even gone yet. I’m facing down months of alone time when they go, this being a terrible time to start something casual. At least I have pets and a job, but what I really want is love and support.