grateful for distance

When I was eight my dad yelled at me and my brother in the middle of a Mall of America food court, drawing stares and calling us spoiled awful brats, because we asked if we could go to a sticker store. I remember my mom cooing at him to please calm down.

When I was a teenager he deleted all my mp3s and called me a terrible little bitch on the same awful day. In my thirties, he called me out of shape, a bad sister, an awful employee, and said in front of a therapist that he wished he could institutionalize me against my will. Asking him to apologize for these things has always turned out to be a bad move since it only triggers him again. Narcissists never apologize!

All these years I have tried so hard for my mom's sake to "just be nice." I would go to family dinners and have long conversations and even hug the man, but honestly, even though I knew they were eating it up, it was so painful for me. Being fake is draining. Now we're quarantining in our separate houses. He sent out a family video chat meeting and I just flat out told him I was not interested in participating because I was enjoying having time apart from him. (Where did that boldness come from??) He said but you came over and ate pizza and watched the super bowl with us, so doesn't that mean everything's good in our relationship? I can't make this shit up.

I'm so grateful to at last have peace and space from this toxic person. I'm alone in my house and I love it. I talk to my friends a lot, and I'm just SOAKING UP how good it feels to be safe and free in those special female to female friendships.