suffering in silence

I’ve been secretly seeing a man for over 7 years in a long distance relationship. Absolutely no one in my life knows or would even suspect it. I had to keep this very quiet. Why we have to do this is a story for another website I suppose. It’s been the most intense and euphoric relationship I have ever been in. Lockdown made things hard as f*ck. I live with my parents. Something as simple as a phone conversation became a covert operation. FaceTime was almost non existent and under grainy lamp light in the small hours of the morning when we were both exhausted and falling asleep. He finally briefly returned in July. I was alight with energy. Tension. Dying for his touch. Expectations of the reunion so high that it quickly became clear that I had missed him so much more than he did me. I am starting to feel that I can’t be in another relationship where I give so much more and don’t feel it reciprocated. There have been other signs - this just feels like confirmation. I feel suddenly very trapped. A 7 year secret relationship means no one knows how heartbroken you will be at the other end of it. No one can comfort you. No one knows how much of your existence you dedicated to this man or the sacrifices you made. It’s preventing me walking away because on the other side I know I’ll be unable to explain my wounds or the impact of this sudden void to anyone. I secretly hope someone I know will read this and figure it out and just know to be there for me one day without acknowledging it ever happened.