you’re not alone

My husband and son both have autism. They thrive on routine but cannot create it themselves. I survived with a meaningful career and making sure they both had lots of activities they enjoyed in order to take the pressure off me. But now it's all gone. My job. My son's therapies and extracurricular activities, my husband's job and handbell choir etc. It's all on me and I'm dying inside. Assuming we survive this physically, I'm becoming a shell of a person. I cook and clean and soothe and keep them both as busy as I can. I go to immense effort to keep them on a routine because they both do better that way. The mental and emotional labor is unrelenting. Sometimes I have these fleeting thoughts, "I want to die but then the will be no one to take care of them." I'm on medication now and still working with a therapist but it's not enough. This is so hard. No human should have to do this alone. And of course they don't provide much companionship or emotional support, just endless responsibility. I don't know what will happen if I get sick. My husband has an invisible disability so no one but our care team realizes that he can't manage to care for his own child. We're all alone in this except for our mental health providers and they can't change the situation.